May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
