Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
