On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
