He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize