..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
