They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
