i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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