3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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