There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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