I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
