apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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