can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
