??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
