Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I will be naked everywhere
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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