I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
