I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
