textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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