Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
i out mim tonsoeep
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