Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
