all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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