im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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