I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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