why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
