I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
