Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
