a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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