I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize