i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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