I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
