Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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