How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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