I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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