He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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