When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
