i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
