white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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