The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
FUCK WHALES
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
