I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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