If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
