Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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