He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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