Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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