You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
