i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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