If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Randomize