Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
