im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Boobs speak an international language.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
