it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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