The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
