Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
