My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
