Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
