I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
