i jhust puked up my retainher.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
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