Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wish life had little blips of pornography
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize